Perfection is an illusion. So be kind to yourself. You’ll be a better leader.
By Sandra Oliver
One of my first coaching clients more than 20 years ago was a leader who was really tough on people. He was smart, highly technical, and had very high expectations of his teams.
In fact, he would become critical and judgemental if a member of his team made a mistake or came to him with a foolish question. His people were intimidated and were afraid to speak up. So much so that they wouldn’t go to him for advice and mentoring, even though that was part of his role as a leader.
He felt disappointed when someone on his team made an error or asked a silly question. When I asked why, he admitted he was concerned he would look bad because of their mistakes.
My next question floored him: “so what?”
What impact do our people’s mistakes, inexperience or lack of knowledge have on us as their leader? The answer: not much.
Everyone makes mistakes – including us
Our role as leaders is not about being super professional, ensuring our people don’t make us look bad, and owning their successes. It’s about assuming positive intent, cutting our people some slack, and understanding that they’re not going to do everything perfectly. And be ok with it.
Going deeper, it’s about recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, does embarrassing things, and gets the answer wrong – including us. And being ok with it.
Once we’re able to forgive and be kind to ourselves, and let go of the need to control how other people perceive us, it’s easier to forgive and be kind to the people around us.
I’m no exception. In the last five years, there have been times when I’ve been really hard on my people. It usually comes from wanting to do a really good job. It also comes from things outside my control, like difficult staff, challenges in my personal life, COVID, and recessions. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about and reflecting on these times to be able to forgive myself. It’s made me a better person and a better leader. I feel stronger for having faced the challenges, learned from my mistakes and grown.
Self-forgiveness helps us lean into our role as leaders
It’s an important journey to take as a leader. Because if we don’t forgive ourselves for being the ordinary, complex, imperfect people that we are, it’s harder to have good conversations and connect with our people. We can tend to be overwhelmed by our feelings and victimize ourselves, blame others, or gossip.
Instead, owning our flaws, forgiving ourselves, and even being transparent about them helps us focus on what’s truly important as leaders of people. It helps us be humble and lean into the role we have to guide, mentor and help our people stretch and grow – right along with us.
Hard things are gifts, and it’s our jobs to figure out what those gifts are and work on them. It helps us develop more effective approaches to managing people, build more connected teams, attract better clients, and create stronger businesses.
