Leader, know thyself

Clearly understanding our feelings helps us put aside the things that don’t matter and address the things that do. Constructively.

By Sandra Oliver

Many of us as leaders don’t think enough about our feelings. We may try to keep our feelings down, under control, hidden. Or we ignore our feelings completely. This is a mistake. Feelings aren’t good or bad. They’re our body’s way of sending a signal. They’re telling us that something needs to be addressed. It could physical, emotional or psychological. And if we try to ignore our feelings, they end up popping out anyway – whether we like them to or not – and usually in ineffective or unconstructive ways.

Feelings are normal and usually arise for valid reasons – and it’s our job to figure out what those reasons are.

So, when we feel frustrated, angry or sad, we need to sit with the feelings and be curious about them.

Focus on the “elephant in the room”

We can ask ourselves: “Why am I feeling disappointed right now, in this situation, with this person?” Perhaps I feel let down. “Why do I feel let down?” Maybe I want to be able to rely on this person to do this work, but they’re not delivering. Perhaps I feel like I’m not being listened to. Maybe I’m frustrated with myself for not speaking up.

It’s important to take the time to figure out the sources of the feeling. That’s because the thing that stokes our emotions is often the “elephant in the room” that will make or break our strategy, team or organization. If it’s bothering us, it’s bothering others. It matters. It’s likely the thing that’s getting in our way and/or the team’s way.

Respond effectively and constructively

Working through our feelings can feel complex or challenging. It is. There could be several sources of the emotion. We could feel frustrated with someone’s behaviour, but also be in a bad mood because of a completely unrelated issue. We often don’t know this. Clearly understanding our feelings helps us put aside the things that don’t matter and address the things that do.

It ensures we don’t get lost in or overwhelmed by our feelings (which usually happens when we haven’t figured out what’s bothering us). So we move through them and move on. For the benefit of the relationship, the team and the organization.

It allows us to respond more effectively and constructively to people and situations when our feelings arise. So we’re not demotivating or judgemental. So we don’t regret our words or our actions.

Be straightforward and factual

If we can figure out how we’re feeling and be honest about it, we can have good discussions with the people around us. We can be straightforward and factual, and resolve situations in ways that are motivating and productive. We can express ourselves clearly: “I’m feeling disappointed right now because this work hasn’t been completed.” And we can encourage similar, honest and factual responses from others, rather than emotional ones. We’ve examined our feelings and shared them in a factual way. This makes it easy for the other person to respond in a factual way. “I wasn’t aware there was a deadline, and I didn’t intend to let you down.” Resolved. No conflict.

If we ignore our feelings, we’re more likely to be judgemental or passive aggressive. Or avoid conflict and eventually explode. Or gossip to others rather than speak to the person directly. This leads to unhealthy conflict, unresolved problems and people and organizations failing to thrive and grow.

Ask the right questions and get to the right answers

Asking a coach, mentor or friend to talk through our feelings with us can be helpful. It can help us see things from different perspectives, untangle any complexity, ask the right questions of ourselves and get to the right answers.

Examining our feelings helps us better sort through what matters and what doesn’t, deal with what matters in productive ways, and feel less frustrated.

And it helps us be better leaders.