Sometimes leaders are tough on us, but they aren’t always toxic

Here’s how to handle someone who’s harder for you to work with – and still thrive and grow as a leader

At some point in our careers, we all come up against challenging leaders. Senior executives who are tough for us to connect with, maybe even push our buttons. Executives can often be the most challenging to work with. They’ve achieved a lot and demand a lot from the people around them. And there are often big egos at play.

A leader who minimizes his peoples’ contributions

A talented leader we worked with recently found her organization’s new CEO challenging. She looked forward to the changes the CEO would bring, but felt minimized in his presence. She felt on the losing end of a power imbalance. The new CEO would downplay her contribution to the organization. And he didn’t demonstrate any appreciation for her work.

After several months of this, she was upset and demoralized. Her confidence deteriorated.  She was unhappy and constantly stressed at work. The new CEO’s treatment became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Her work deteriorated and she wasn’t at her best.

A status-focused leader, mainly interested in his own visibility

Another seasoned leader we coached felt his CEO didn’t appreciate his role and the work he performed. The CEO was interested in other aspects of the organization that were flashier and higher profile, and he showed no interest in the leader’s department. The CEO minimized the leader’s role and impact, simply by omission.

The leader felt frustrated, unseen and unappreciated. The leader also felt he and the CEO had different values. The leader wanted to do innovative work that contributed to the company, while the CEO seemed to be interested in gaining status and visibility.

Manage the relationship instead of engaging emotionally

Many people might advise both of these leaders to leave their organizations. If they’re leaders are truly toxic, they should absolutely leave. But there are other approaches we can take when faced with challenging leaders. Ones that can help us not only survive, but learn, evolve and grow – as professionals and as people:

1. Engage in detached observation. Rather than fall into a negative “dance”, where we’re reacting emotionally and feeling deflated – and the leader isn’t learning anything about us – we can stop, recognize what’s happening, and manage it. Practice observing, and staying calm and centred. Focus on a thinking rather than a feeling perspective. What do we notice about others in the relationship? For example, does the leader tend to make others feel small, not just us? Does he or she like to be the smartest in the room? Really pay attention to the leader and notice how they’re behaving. What does that tell us about them? How well adjusted are they? What matters to them? What are their motivations? What do they care about? And then, equally importantly, what is our reaction to their behaviour? Notice, in a detached way, both what the leader does and how we react. Being observant is a key step toward being less emotional and managing the relationship. Noticing that a leader is challenging for us to manage is how we recognize when we’re stuck – and it gives us the opportunity to change and grow. It’s an important skill for any senior leader
   
   
2. Focus on the outcome, not the relationship. Next, think about what we want from this meeting. Or from the next year at the organization. What kind of work do we want to do? What do we think will help the organization? We need to get very clear about these questions. Maybe we can learn and contribute a lot to the organization. Perhaps we can grow our role. Or maybe move into another position that we’ll enjoy even more.
   
   
3. Think of it as managing relationships, not engaging. Manage to achieve business outcomes, without focusing on the relationship. This is less about worrying how our leader feels about us or hoping that they’ll one day appreciate our work. It’s more about what we want to work on and what we know our organization needs. Continually redirect conversations with the leader towards outcomes. Focus less on how we feel and what we think the leader thinks of us.

We also have to accept that a deep connection may not be a possibility for this relationship. And that’s ok. The relationship may still work for us and help the organization.

Changing our behaviour can change the relationship

At the same time, we can develop a deeper relationship with the leader in one of two ways:  

1. Change the dance. If we move from reacting emotionally to responding with detachment and a focus on outcomes, we can often change the power dynamic. The leader no longer has the hold over us he or she had previously. It can be a way of jolting us both out of a rut and building a new relationship that we both respect.
   
   
2. Talk about it. If the leader’s unaware of the impact he or she has on us, we can have a straightforward conversation with them about it. We can let them know how their behaviour makes us feel. For leaders who just aren’t focused on us and our work, this can be the impetus for a new way forward.

It’s important to understand that the biggest power we have in relationships is our own behaviour.

We often focus on everyone else – if our leader would just change, or be “like this”, then everything would be ok. If instead we focus on ourselves and how we respond to the leader, it can change relationships entirely – for the better.